You Are Not Your Own Worst Enemy
You Are Not Your Own Worst Enemy
You are a non-dual being
You are your own worst enemy.
You are your harshest critic.
The only thing stopping you is you.
I understand that the point of these cliches is to say that mindset is everything—that we have agency over our own success. And yet, I’m no longer interested in viewing myself as an enemy.
For so long I was my own worst enemy. Some part of me struggled with panic and was chronically unhappy. That part of me became the enemy, the illness, it was always an inconvenience to be fought. The day I stopped fighting myself as if I was an enemy, was the day I finally felt relief.
In painting mental illness, in particular, as an enemy, it’s too easy to slip into sadness, fatigue, or numbness as the enemy. Negative emotions exist for a reason. Guilt, shame, and fear all have their place. We forget that our “harshest critic” is also our fiercest protector in overdrive. All of these emotions can misfire, spillover, and wreak unchecked havoc. But they are not our enemies.
Someone recently told me that understanding is a coin with two sides: one is knowledge, and the other is being. Being with the discomfort of ourselves rather than fighting it is part of understanding ourselves and, by extension, learning to live a good life.
I am not advocating that people always be with their discomfort alone, especially in the overwhelming waves of mental illness. But I would advocate that the goal of asking for help is aimed at learning what it means to manage the inner world you have been given, rather than willing it away.
I find when I can mitigate second-order emotions, meaning I can feel an emotion and not feel a feeling about my feeling e.g. not be frustrated at my anxiety, ashamed of my anger, the idea of having some sort of enemy inside of me dissolves completely. I no longer need to punish myself for the act of having “wrong” or “bad” emotions. They are signals sent to protect me, and having difficult feelings about difficult feelings makes them more tumultuous rather than less.
I guess what I mean to say is give up. When you give up fighting yourself you might, for the first time, see clearly. See that you are not compartmentalized into good and bad, into enemy/critic/bully/darkness and hero.
There is no battle to be won. You will never defeat yourself without taking the good with you. War with yourself can only end in total death, so we must all learn to live without fighting ourselves.